Circles
by Prince Jun
Summary: Songfic. Heather and Lindsay are both left heartbroken after the events of Total Drama Island. They're left to wonder if they can live without the other. Femslash.


**A/N: Bah, sorry if this makes no sense. I haven't actually written this yet so we'll just have to see what happens! (This is why you should write author's notes AFTER writting a fic. xD) I'm pretty sure I've seen a fic with a similar format before, but I can't remember right now. Whatever.**

**TDA does not exist here.**

**This is pretty much unedited. (I'll probably regret that later.) I just kinda typed it up on the document editor thing on FFnet so please let me know if I've spelled something wrong or forgotten to capitalize something. ^^**

**HeatherxLindsay. Femslash. You've been warned.**

**Italicized lines are lyrics from _Circles_ by Hollywood Undead.**

* * *

"Hey, Lindsay."

Heather shook the blonde girl gently, trying to wake her. Lindsay slowly turned and opened her eyes.

"Heather?"

{_take my hand, let's go_}

Heather held out her hand. Lindsay stared blankly at it, then looked up at Heather. She smiled and intertwined her fingers with Heather's. She didn't know what Heather had in mind as she led Lindsay away from the cabins.

{_somewhere we can rest our souls_}

Lindsay didn't know where they were going, but anywhere was better than where they were. Even the friendly, outgoing blonde needed a few minutes alone. To touch up her make-up, to fix her hair, to rest, to spend time with a close friend...or lover. Neither Lindsay nor Heather knew whether they were friends or 'something more.'

Heather only wondered whether it would last.

{_we'll sit where it's warm_}

The two girls were somewhere in the forest when they decided to stop and sit. Even though it was nighttime, warm summer air brushed their skin. Lindsay smiled softly. Heather was not smiling, but there was a sort of happiness shining in her eyes.

{_you say..._}

Lindsay's expression seemed to say, "_Look, we're here alone._" She looked at Heather. Moonlight dappled the girl's skin, shining through the leaves. They sat in peaceful silence, pressed against each other.

Next thing they knew, they were kissing.

{_i was running in circles|__i hurt myself just to find my purpose_}

Before she made it onto Total Drama Island and met Heather, Lindsay was pretty happy. But she was, for the most part, just a pretty shell. She strived to be friends with everyone, and she wanted to be beautiful.

She developed a couple eating disorders. She usually got over it quickly; Lindsay did not have enough willpower to stick to such extreme 'diets,' as she believed they were.

Maybe she should have gotten help. But no one will ever know. She's better now. For the most part, anyway.

{_everything was so worthless, i didn't deserve this_}

Heather was the queen of White Pines High School. She had followers, she had fans. She had everything anyone could have wanted.

And she hated it all. Deep down, she hated it. But on the surface, you could tell: She loved every minute of it. She ate up the attention she got, the fake love she received, the admiration of her fans. But if you tore off her outer shell, you could see it. The hate. Heather was a hateful girl.

It took sixteen years to kill the hate she lived with.

{_but to me..._}

Lindsay and Heather were laying in each other's arms, smiles gracing their faces. They were wrapped in silence. They knew what they were now.

They were lovers. They were friends. They were together.

{_you were perfect_}

They had love. They had each other. At that moment, they had everything they needed. It was blissful, it was wonderful. It was perfect.

{_i'm scattered through this life_}

Heather screwed up big time. She betrayed Lindsay, the only one to ever get close to her. She had lost her short-lived kindness. She had reverted back to a bratty, hateful girl.

And this time, she couldn't stand it. It hurt her now.

Everyone had opened their eyes to Heather's true personality. She was universally hated at school.

Lindsay would never call her. Heather had hurt her, betrayed her, broke her heart.

Little did Heather know that Lindsay still had her phone number, pinned up on her wall. Lindsay wanted to call. She did. She just didn't have the nerve.

{_if this is life..._}

Lindsay had an easier time adjusting back to life when she escaped Camp Wawanakwa. But inside, she was broken. Heather had torn Lindsay to shreds. You couldn't see it, but it was there. Deep inside her.

Lindsay was broken. And she had little hope of fixing herself.

{_i'll say goodbye_}

Neither girl really had much to live for. But they couldn't say goodbye to life. They had to believe that one day, they would feel whole. They had to believe that one day, someone would love them the way they loved each other.

Even if they didn't have each other, they had to believe that they would be okay.

{_she's gone like an angel with wings_}

Lindsay was gone. Heather couldn't find her even if she tried. She wasn't even sure she had the nerve.

{_let me burn tonight_}

Both girls were crying. They didn't know it, but they had both started crying at the same time.

Heather was crying for everything she had lost. She was crying because she felt the pain. She was crying because she was hated. She was crying because she had hurt Lindsay.

Lindsay was crying because of what she had lost. She was crying because Heather still hurt her, even if she didn't know it.

Heather had hurt them both. And she couldn't do anything about it except let the guilt burn her.

{_i was running in circles_}

Lindsay was back where she started. Beautiful, popular, empty. But she didn't starve herself or make herself sick. The only person who mattered wasn't there.

She was beautiful, but she didn't have anyone to be beautiful for.

{_i hurt myself just to find my purpose_}

Heather craved to redo that day and all the days before. She wanted to undo the wrongs she had done to Lindsay. But she couldn't.

She was without purpose. She was alone. She hurt herself by living.

She had no hope, had no faith. But she clung to life anyway.

{_everything was so worthless, i didn't deserve this_}

Rarely do people believe that they deserve the bad things in life. Heather used to be one of them. Lindsay still was.

Now, Heather believed that she didn't deserve the good things in life. She had gotten everything her karma owed her, just like Lindsay had hoped.

Or at least, like she said she had hoped.

{_but to me, you were perfect_}

Heather held on to the label of perfection she had given Lindsay. Lindsay threw away the label of perfection she had given Heather. It pained her, but she had to.

People who hurt you aren't perfect. But, then again, no one is.

{_i see me, writing on this paper_}

Heather was writing in her diary, pouring her heart out. She didn't particularly like diaries. It was all too easy to steal a diary, to tear out the pages and post them on public walls and reveal the secrets within.

Diaries are untrustworthy. But it was all Heather had. So she told her life's story to the leather-bound notebook.

She wanted to write to Lindsay. But she didn't have the nerve. Maybe she could have before. But now she didn't have the nerve.

{_praying for some savior_}

Heather didn't usually pray. But she needed someone to kill her inner bitch once and for all. She needed someone to save her from herself.

{_wishing to intake her and save her_}

She needed to save Lindsay. She needed to save the childish girl from her naïvity. She needed to save her from the other people who would abuse her, just as she had done.

{_in a world, so..._}

Life is cruel. Heather had learned that lesson early on. Lindsay never did.

{_so godless, so thoughtless_}

In the real world, people rarely care about others. Arguments are started, fights break out. People get hurt, people die. Lindsay needed to learn this. Heather didn't want her to learn the hard way.

{_i don't know how we wrought this|__all the love that you brought us_}

Lindsay was bright and happy. She touched everyone she met. One couldn't help but smile when they saw her. She was a child on the inside. Lindsay was adorable. She loved everyone. She trusted the world.

What does a cruel person do to deserve someone so caring and friendly? Heather pondered this often.

{_it feels like i'm killing myself|just willing myself just to pray for some help_}

Heather wanted to scream sometimes. When she was home alone, she did. Her screams were filled with pain.

This was not a way to live. She felt like she was dying. How does one live when they feel they are dying?

Heather needed help. She knew it. She just couldn't admit it.

{_i'd give it all just to have..._}

Heather would give everything she had to go back to that wonderful day. The day she and Lindsay laid in the forest, the day everything was right.

{_have your eternity_}

She would give up everything to have Lindsay's trust and love again.

{_'cause it's all that assures me|__it's worth all that hurts me_}

She would do anything. It was worth it to have Lindsay back by her side, holding her close. There was only one question.

Did Heather have the willpower?

There were many complications. Far too many to name.

{_i'd give you my heart, and i'd let you just hold it_}

Lindsay had given Heather her heart. When she got it back, it was shattered. She would give her heart away again, if only it could be mended.

{_i'd give you my soul..._}

Heather sometimes felt she had no soul. According to her logic, only someone soulless and heartless would do what she'd done her whole life.

{_but i already sold it_}

Heather wondered if she had unknowingly sold her soul. She thought it was possible. She could have sold it for popularity. Then her popularity was stolen. Just like everything else.

{_on the day, the day i walked away in december_}

Heather was sitting in bed one night when the memories flooded back. Of course she hadn't forgotten, but the flashbacks were coming. Vivid, painful flashback of the day.

{_i will always remember|__i'll regret it forever_}

It was the damned bike racing challenge. She made Lindsay build her bike. She could have saved Lindsay from elimination. But she didn't.

"But I thought we were going to the final three together!"

"Guess we're not."

{_i remember brown eyes, so sad..._}

"Aren't you even sad? We're BFFs!"

"Yeah, for the contest. I mean, it's not like we're going to be best friends for life or anything."

Lindsay wasn't crying, but Heather could see the sadness in the blonde girl's eyes. How could she do this?

Easy. All Heather had to do was ignore her true feelings.

"I can't believe you just said that! But..." Heather momentarily tuned out Lindsay's words. She didn't want to hear it.

"...you didn't even like me?"

"Uhhh, truth?" Heather paused for a second. "Not really, no."

{_and blue skies turn to darkness and night_}

It was the most stupid thing Heather had ever done. But she'd done it.

The days seemed darker now. The sun shone, but it didn't warm Heather's heart. All because of that dark, cruel day.

{_i'm so sick of the fight_}

Heather laid down, tears silently running down her cheeks. She made a vow, then and there. A vow with Lindsay. Lindsay wouldn't hear her words, but that didn't matter. What mattered is that this was a promise she kept. She held her pinky in front of her and said the words in her head.

_I won't breathe unless you breathe, __won't bleed unless you bleed, __won't be unless you be, __'till I'm gone and I can sleep._

Heather liked to think that every time she took a breath, Lindsay also took a breath. When Heather's nose started bleeding when some loser and smashed a textbook in her face, she wondered if Lindsay was bleeding too.

{_i was running in circles_}

No matter what, Heather's mind always wandered back to Lindsay. A one-track mind. It was much like running in circles.

She wanted to get off that track and move on. But she couldn't.

{_i hurt myself just to find my purpose_}

Heather had stepped on so many people to get to the top. Then she slid back down, broken and bruised. She found her purpose.

Her purpose was to mourn what she once had and cherish what little was left.

{_everything was so worthless, i didn't deserve this_}

Everything before Lindsay was worthless. Everything after Lindsay was worthless. She was undeserving of Lindsay.

Heather couldn't pick up the pieces of her shattered life. It was too late. All she could do was live with it.

{_but to me..._}

"_You were perfect._"

If Heather has ever said one thing that's true about Lindsay, it was that, though she never said it out loud. At least, in her mind, it was true. That was enough for her.

Most people would argue that Lindsay was far from perfect. Maybe that was the truth. But in Heather's eyes, it wasn't. It was at first, but not anymore.

But she screwed up, and now Lindsay was gone. Just like everyone else. But this hurt more then anything

{_i was running in circles_}

Lindsay didn't often think of Heather when she was out and about. But when she was alone in her room, Heather was the only thing she thought about. No matter what, her mind would circle back to Heather. When she was totally alone, Heather was the only person important to her.

{_i hurt myself __just to find my purpose_}

Lindsay was hurting inside, almost as much as Heather.

She picked up her cell phone and tore Heather's phone number off the wall. Could she actually bring herself to dial it?

{_everything was so worthless, __i didn't deserve this_}

Lindsay looked at the piece of paper. Heather could have a new number. Heather probably didn't care. Lindsay thought about it. "Heather probably doesn't want to hear from me."

{_but to me, you were perfect_}

Months ago, you could have convinced Lindsay that Heather was perfect, that Heather was all she needed. Not anymore.

{_i've gone away, seen better times than yesterday_}

Lindsay crumpled up the paper and threw it in the trash. It was time to heal. Her life could improve. She could live without that bitch.

{_it's hard to say that everything will be okay_}

Lindsay didn't know if everything would be as good as it was before. But it should be okay. She had to believe that she would be okay.

{_i've gone away_}

Heather took all the pictures of Lindsay she owned, and shredded them. Mostly with a paper shredder, but a couple she ripped up by hand. All except for one.

She smiled at the picture of her and Lindsay sitting together on the steps in front of the girls' cabin. She slipped it into her diary.

{_seen better times than yesterday_}

Heather had to move on, no matter how much it hurt. She had to.

{_it's hard to say __that everything will be okay_}

Heather was almost positive that she won't be okay. But she had to try. That was enough for her.

Heather could live without Lindsay. And Lindsay could live without Heather.

So why did it have to hurt?

{_i hurt myself_}

* * *

**A/N: Does anyone else think it was getting redundant? I do. Oh well. -shrugs- Were Heather and Lindsay OOC? I honestly can't tell.**

**Well, I'm tired. Night guys~!**


End file.
